trace your fingers, let them linger
by bergamots
Summary: His touch today, no doubt intending to be comforting still made her feel warm in a good way, in a way that she hadn't felt since seeing him in Vancouver all those weeks ago. Was it only weeks? It felt like years when she walked out of that elevator, pistol trained on Udina and her implant crackling with a mnemonic at the tip of her tongue. Kaidan/FemShep, complete.


this was written during nanowrimo 2k16 (which i actually completed, to my shock and amazement!) but it's unlikely i'll ever develop it into a bigger piece than what it is currently – so here you go! ophelia is a mix of paragon and renegade, and has a tendency to get migraines when she's stressed. she's chosen a great career for her health.

spoiler's for the citadel coup. title taken from campbell's _don't move_.

rated for language, self-harm and a bit of nudity.

* * *

Udina's gun was raised, and that was enough for Ophelia to raise hers. She did not feel guilt for the kill – only that Kaidan was there – that he saw her in a manner that she had desperately tried to leave behind on earth, leave behind with Cerberus. Killing people had been in her blood for a long time before the Alliance came along.

She avoided his gaze, instead moving to where Bailey was and relaying messages to the rest of her team. The media shit storm was inevitable and only just beginning – the more time she had before the vultures descended, so to speak – would be needed. _At least this will get them focused on the reaper attacks_ , she thought grimly, waving off James' offer of medi-gel to the deep scratches on the side of her head. The bleeding had stopped, she reasoned, and head wounds always bled a lot compared to the rest of the body.

"It's just a graze, Lieutenant," she said shortly, rubbing the back of her neck. "Go see if you can hail Joker – I don't want to stay here any longer if I can help it."

James nodded, eyeing her warily. "Sure thing boss."

"Commander Shepard?" a voice came from her left, as she turned to see C-Sec ( _finally, took their fucking time_ ) officers approaching, keen eyes darting between the mixture of soldiers and councillors. "We've tried searching for the routes that Cerberus took to get out of here and-"

Ophelia exhaled and shook her head. "Lead the way," she said, only glancing back to the Major as she went around the corner. He was standing to the side of the large group that had assembled, looking almost uncomfortable with his lack of knowledge about the situation, Udina's blood seeping onto his boots.

* * *

It had been three hours before she could even officially leave C-Sec, with half-promises to use her Spectre access to find out any extra info on Cerberus that had not already come to light. In her opinion, it wouldn't matter what Spectre access could do that C-Sec couldn't. The operation had been well-planned and well-executed and no amount of special access codes was going to shed light on the fact that there were _many_ moles in the Citadel. They just had to find out who went missing in the fight to figure out the breaches.

It had been a frustrating few hours before she could leave, and the cramps had only disappeared when her adrenaline kicked in. Now, they were back with a cruel vengeance – and though she would never have migraines the way the Major did, she could completely sympathise with the fact that they were a fucking awful thing to have.

Already noises were louder, somehow more acute and the Citadel lights were beginning to blur, sharpening to bright points of light and becoming all the more painful to process. In hindsight, accepting the medi-gel from James probably would have been the sensible option, Ophelia reasoned as she walked towards the docking bay and decontamination chambers that separated the Normandy. The scratches on the side of her face were already throbbing in a prickly way. She could already feel the pulling at the edges of her eyesight; hear the static crinkling in her ears, ringing. _Fuck_.

"Shepard?"

 _Double fuck_.

"Kaidan," she replied, biting the inside of her lip to stop from groaning at her _monumental_ shit luck today. "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing a little apologetically. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around what just happened."

There was an edge to his tone – this wasn't about Udina at all, Ophelia realised with growing dread. Of all the fucking days she had to be feeling like death warmed over, today was the day that he wanted to talk things through. She took a deep breath before responding.

"You sound angry."

Kaidan shook his head. "Not angry. It's just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love." He paused, before walking closer to her. "How it all went down – it's got me…" he sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "I don't know."

Shepard exhaled slowly, trying to ignore the tinny noise that was growing louder with each passing second. "Okay – talk to me. Let's have at it."

There was another pause before he spoke again. "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like- like you would've taken me out."

She closed her eyes in pain. "God Kaidan, _never_. I- I trusted you. I knew you'd come around." She swallowed, trying to stem the nausea that had suddenly made itself known. The decontamination chamber was too hot, or she was too hot or-

"The main thing," she said firmly, blinking away the beginning of an aura, "is that we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard," he replied, frowning, watching her face with an expression that Shepard couldn't identify. "Later, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity – then it matters."

 _Ah_ , so it was about Udina then, a little. "You're talking about Udina?" she asked.

He nodded.

"He gave me no choice, Kaidan. I took the shot."

"There was always a choice, Shepard."

"Not when it comes to you," she replied instantly, without thinking. There was a stunned silence before he took a deep breath, shifting even closer than before.

"There's actually…" he laughed a little ruefully. "There's another reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy agai-"

Her legs buckled underneath her as another wave of sickening heat swept over her, shivering over her skin.

"Shepard! What's-"

"Migraine," she managed, before vomiting onto the chamber floor. There was a low roar in her ears, making Kaidan sound distant and strange. She felt mercifully cool hands pull her back up, stumbling as she tried to orientate herself.

"Christ, Shepard. When did it start?"

"Before we landed here," she mumbled, clutching to him like a lifeline. She opened her eyes to try and steady herself but she was met with a dull haze, like when com vids ended abruptly, static blaring. She screwed her eyes shut, swaying slightly as she tried to calm her stomach.

She heard him swear under his breath before readjusting his grip on her. If she wasn't feeling so terrible this whole situation would actually be rather funny, Ophelia reasoned, but she wasn't feeling great – she was feeling an awful mix of embarrassed and nauseous and would never live it down.

"Are you okay to walk?" he asked softly. She shook her head carefully.

"I can't see. It's doing the weird static snow thing again."

She felt him exhale. "Okay, okay. I'm gonna take you back to the Normandy, yeah?"

She nodded cautiously, breath hitching as another wave of nausea swept over her. She spun abruptly, and vomited once more.

She could feel a hand curling around her side. "C'mon, let's get you out of here. The ship won't be as hot." Suddenly there was another hand underneath her knees and she was bundled up in his arms, bridal style. He stood still for a moment, letting her adjust her grip around his neck before walking through to the boarding gate.

"Hell of a meet-cute, Shepard," he said teasingly. "I'm sure Garrus will be thrilled to hear about it."

" _Commander Shepard, your vitals are alarmingly stressed,_ " said EDI over the bridge as they entered the Normandy proper. Joker had actually gotten out of his seat, waiting by the airlock seal with an unidentifiable look on his face.

"Do you want me to call Doctor Chakwas?" Joker asked, his voice far too loud and grating. She shook her head deeper into the space between Kaidan's shoulder and neck – he smelled clean and familiar in a way that wasn't upsetting her stomach as much. "I just need to sleep," she murmured, curling her fingers into Kaidan's hair, just barely grazing the man's biotic port. She felt his breath hitch, before readjusting her in his arms, fingers a fraction tighter than they were before.

"Where's her room?"

Joker made a harsh noise that Ophelia couldn't quite identify. "Don't you think she should go to the med bay Alenko? She doesn't look exactly-"

"It's a migraine Joker, not a fever. She needs a quiet, dark room, not a brightly-lit one where people can go gawk at her. The best thing to do is just sleep it off." He paused for a moment, gauging the flight lieutenant's expression. "If she throws up anymore I'll let you know and we'll decide what to do from there."

"She threw up?"

Kaidan nodded his head back to the decontamination chamber. "I'll come clean it up once I've put her to bed."

Shepard made a discontented noise, fingernails digging slightly into his skin.

Joker frowned, but shrugged his shoulders, motioning towards the CIC deck. "Top floor on the elevator. EDI will let you in."

Kaidan nodded, before walking as carefully as he could towards the elevator. It almost felt like being back on the original Normandy – sans the strange looks he was getting from the remaining skeletal crew not currently on shore leave. This wasn't exactly the way he had panned being introduced to her team – but it had its benefits too, he thought smugly. Though they had talked over the events on Horizon, he still wasn't actually sure where he fit into the picture – hell, she hadn't even managed to tell him whether she even wanted him on her ship or not before the migraine took over.

At least this would cement his place in the hierarchy of the ship, if he were to come back to the crew.

It wasn't until they were in the elevator before Kaidan spoke again.

"EDI?"

"The ship," Ophelia mumbled, tightening her grip around his neck, breathing in deeply. "AI. Good one, though."

"Good one?"

Ophelia sighed, trying to ignore the pounding in the back of her skull growing. The elevator was still too bright. "Yeah. Trust her with my life."

The doors to the elevator opened just as the entrance to her room did. He walked in slowly, letting out a low whistle as he carried her further in.

"Sorry Shepard, I've changed my mind. I could do with a room like this," he teased, carefully walking down the stairs.

"Very funny Kaidan," she murmured, opening her eyes a fraction, and sighing in relief. The visual symptoms that sometimes blinded her had subsided a bit, instead making her vision grainy, like an old vid. Her room was only lit via her fish tank, throwing soft blue light around the cabin.

"Bed?" he asked, reaching a stop.

"Please," she replied, before feeling his arms loosen around her slightly, the one under her legs sliding out from under her. She stood for a moment, scrubbing at her eyes before walking the few paces to her bed and sitting down on it, finally able to relax after such a stressful day. Warm hands held her own, and she looked down to see Kaidan crouching down in front of her, thumbs rubbing circles on the backs of her hands, and looking intently at her face.

"You'll be alright?" he asked, one hand reaching up to cup her face. She bit her bottom lip, inhaling deeply.

"Can you…can you stay?" she asked quietly, softly – words almost too faint to hear over the low hum of the Normandy. He squeezed her hand in response.

"Of course," he breathed. "Whatever you need Shepard. Just- just know that I'm here for you, yeah?" She nodded once, feeling another wave of nausea sweep over her.

"I'm going to let Joker know that someone else will need to take care of the decontamination chamber, okay?" he asked, before kissing her forehead lightly. "I'll grab some cold packs as well."

He squeezed her hand once more, before standing up and walking back to the door. As he left, Shepard slumped back onto the bed, an arm covering her eyes from the dim light filtering through the cabin. She _collapsed_ in front of him – and then threw up – _twice_.

 _Triple fuck_.

She breathed deeply, trying to quell the feelings of nausea and intense heat that were waving over her body. She hadn't had an attack like this in ages and…

Maybe having Kaidan back on the ship wasn't the best choice after all, Ophelia considered, counting her breaths to take her mind of the acrid taste in her mouth. Though she had a good crew on the SR II that did respect her, scuttlebutt went around the ship like wildfire – and though there weren't many crew left on the ship now that the Cerberus incident had been contained, she imagined that by the end of the day most (if not all) of the people in her command would know not only that she was carried to an elevator by someone else, but that their whole history would also be a common knowledge too as well.

Ophelia groaned, curling up into herself. Feelings were a bitch sometimes.

Would they take it seriously? Obviously Hackett had no qualms about letting them work together – and though Ophelia was dead certain that he know something had gone on between the two of them (Anderson as well), distractions were not a luxury she could afford when every alien race in the goddamn galaxy needed a favour before they agreed to join the war. And Kaidan –

He was a force that she had never been able to properly factor into any equation. He was the wildcard – his touch today, no doubt intending to be comforting still made her feel warm in a _good_ way, in a way that she hadn't felt since seeing him in Vancouver all those weeks ago. Was it only weeks? It felt like years when she walked out of that elevator, pistol trained on Udina and her implant crackling with a mnemonic at the tip of her tongue.

But she loved him. That was the one fact she could not, and would not refute. It was deeply embedded in her bones, intertwined with her DNA. The day she stopped loving Kaidan was the day she stopped being Ophelia Shepard. The Illusive Man had gotten more things right than he would ever know.

She heard the door open faintly, and footsteps making their way to where she was, curled up in the middle of the bed. The mattress dipped down beside her.

"I've got a cold pack here if you want one," Kaidan said softly. "Or some water – I figured you might want to wash your mouth out."

Shepard pulled herself into a sitting position on the bed and opened her eyes blearily. The room was even darker than before – Kaidan must've put in a word with EDI. He offered up a cold pack and she accepted it, a sigh of relief escaping her as she held it to her forehead. Even here, in the cool confines of the ship it was still uncomfortably hot.

"Thank you, Kaidan," she said softly.

"It's okay. There must've been countless times you helped me when we were chasing Saren," he replied. "I forget sometimes that other people can get migraines too." He laughed a little at that, rubbing the back of his head.

"Not as bad as you though," Ophelia replied, taking the water bottle from him and managing a few sips before sinking back down onto the bed. "The worst will pass in a few hours." She lay there for a while, listening to his breathing.

"Shepard, I-"

"Not now Kaidan," she interrupted, reaching for his hand that was closest to her. "Later. I can't think right now." She intertwined her fingers with his, squeezing slightly. "Lie with me?"

He let out a laugh that was half a scoff. "I don't think that's very professional Shepard."

"Fuck professionalism," she said harshly, scrunching her brow in pain. "I am tired, Kaidan. I am _so_ tired. I am scared of what tomorrow will bring. I'm scared that I'm gonna keep making mistakes with you over and over again. I just-" she broke off, exhaling shakily. "I just want a few hours alone with you, before people start asking for ' _Commander Shepard_ ' again." She squeezed his hand again, a little stronger this time. "Please?"

Kaidan sighed softly, before squeezing back. "Of course Ophelia," he said lowly. "But you should probably change into something more comfortable though. BDU's aren't made for sleeping in,"

"Doesn't stop the Alliance from making sure people do," she muttered under her breath, slowly dragging herself to the edge of the bed and feeling for the zips and ties on her boots. She heard him laugh to her left, before rising off the bed and walking to stand in front of her.

"Want help?"

"Please," she said, shoulders sagging with relief. "This uniform is hard enough to put on at the best of times."

His touch was soft and careful as he undid the laces strung tightly around her calves. He pulled them off slowly, before reaching to pop her belt.

It occurred to Ophelia that this would've been the first time they had engaged in…activity like this since Ilos – and though the memory brought a blush to her cheeks, Kaidan it seemed was far more interested in the task at hand and wasn't looking at her at all. Though she knew there was no reason for her to be nervous, she was surprised at the lack of it as he moved to her collar. He smiled gently at her as he undid buttons and she shrugged the top off, suddenly very aware that she hadn't worn an undershirt and forgone a bra entirely. There was a pause as she looked at him, and he averted his eyes, chuckling.

"I'm not one to hit on a girl when she's down, Shepard," he said hoarsely, grabbing the clothes off the bed behind her and shifting them to the locker where her civvies were kept. She didn't bother asking why he knew where to put them, instead, scrubbing at her eyes once more, static-like vision still not receding and making it very hard to see in the dim light of the cabin. Shimmying out of her pants, she threw them in the general direction of her locker, hearing a slight _oof_ as she hit her intended target.

"Not _that_ down, Major," she responded cheekily, crawling back onto the bed and digging around for her sleeping shirt.

"Noted, Commander," he replied. She could hear him removing his BDU's as well, and though the throbbing pain in the back of her skull hadn't lessened any, she couldn't help but smile. Kicking her sleeping duvet all but off the bed, Shepard grabbed a pillow in a quasi-hug and breathed deeply. It had been a long and awful day.

She felt the mattress dip once again under his weight as he settled down next to her, drawing her body in close to his and began stroking her hair, very softly.

"Is there any reason I found an old shirt of mine amongst your belongings?" he asked quietly, dragging the tossed duvet back over them.

"I might've nicked one when we were chasing Saren," she mumbled back, curling even more into the pillow as another wave of pain ricocheted around her head. "By the time I realised, I was too embarrassed to tell you," she laughed quietly. "I had sent it back Vancouver and I was going to deal with it when I next had shore leave.

"I found it again this year when I was grounded," she said softly. "It was…nice to have something familiar while they were grilling me every day."

Kaidan pressed a kiss into her hair. "I never pegged you for a sentimentalist."

She huffed. "It's a new development. Don't count on it lasting."

"Oh?"

She twisted in his hold until she was facing him, his features blurry in the dim light and her lessened eyesight. "Not where you are concerned, at least." She pressed her lips to his neck very softly. "But I forgot to say," she breathed, "I didn't actually give you an answer about you staying on here – on the Normandy."

Kaidan scoffed. "Kinda thought I was, judging by this arrangement we have right now. Or was I horribly wrong?"

Ophelia laughed gently, snaking her hands over his shoulders and placing another very soft kiss to the edge of his jaw. "I wouldn't want to face the Reapers without you by my side," she answered easily, kissing his chin. "But we'll deal with that tomorrow," she continued, moving to the edge of his lips, barely grazing them with her own. "Right now," she breathed, "I want to sleep and then make out with you furiously for a few hours. Okay?"

"Fantastic," he responded before dragging her face to his and kissing her mouth properly. " _Tons_ of hours."

* * *

He awoke sometime later, Shepard's auburn hair all but strangling his face in sleep. He pulled away slightly, spitting away errant strands of here.

 _Some things haven't changed_.

Shepard shifted slightly in her sleep, mumbling indistinctly before rolling over and curling into the duvet even more, dragging what remnants of duvet Kaidan had managed to acquire back towards her side.

Kaidan smiled softly as he sat up on the bed, raking a hand through his sleep-mussed hair. _A lot hasn't, really._

For the first time in a _very_ long time, Kaidan finally felt…at peace?

It was a strange concept to consider in the middle of a war that would probably kill them all in the process.

But he did. For the first time since his childhood probably, Kaidan wasn't too worried about what the future held. They would fight the Reapers; do recon missions for the Alliance; and sort out the shit in the universe that others wouldn't do.

He was okay with this. So long as he was doing it with Shepard, he would not have any complaints about the job at hand.

However…

He had tried to ignore the marks on her arms – they were fading, almost imperceptible to the naked eye but the artificial light of the Normandy had a habit of bringing out the worst in people's appearances, and the fine lines of jagged skin were too stark and numerous to ignore as a graze from a fight or spar gone wrong.

They looked to be fresh ones too – which brought up its own awful set of questions.

"EDI," he began, feeling a little awkward speaking to an open room when he could walk down to the bridge. "I have a question that I think only you might be able to answer."

"What is it, Major Alenko?"

Kaidan glanced back at Shepard, who was snoring slightly as she slept. By his estimates – and what he slipped into her water bottle (not that he'd ever tell her) she would be out for at least another few hours.

"I get that Shepard has a stressful job…" he began, rubbing a hand through his hair. "But I've never seen her have a migraine like this before – not puking her guts out, at least. Is it- is it something that began after she started working for Cerberus?"

"Negative." The AI responded. "In fact, Ms Lawson actively tried to change how Commander Shepard's hormones affected her biotics so that these migraines would be lessened. It appeared to have worked, for a time."

"When did they stop working?"

EDI fell silent for a while. "I believe that these migraines that Commander Shepard suffers from are a combination of hormone imbalance, stress levels and a general genetic predisposition towards having them. I am unaware of what her health would have been like when she was grounded, but since Mars she has been progressively getting worse."

"I suppose there's nothing we can do then," Kaidan murmured sombrely.

"I do not believe that is the case, Major Alenko. A great source of stress for Commander Shepard has always been you."

Kaidan jerked his head up towards the ceiling. "What do you mean? I stress her out?"

"You have always had an effect on the Commander's physiology, Major. Both good and bad effects, however. Shepard had to clarify the difference occasionally. Joker had to explain to me the situation after Horizon. It made the situation…easier to understand."

"I don't understand."

"Shepard has always placed a great deal of value onto you – disproportionately so, compared to others in her team, or even those who she has known longer. She reacted in very much the same manner on Mars as she did on Horizon – and today even more so. From what I can understand," the AI's voice somehow turned thoughtful, "Shepard has used the pain from migraines and other ailments to try and distract her from the stressors in her life. With you on board the ship now, those levels will either rise, or fall in the long term. My money is on the latter."

"So she'll be okay then?"

"The Commander is not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, if that is what you are asking, Major. I doubt there have been many humans, alive or dead, who have survived this amount of stress. However," the AI's tone shifted imperceptibly here, gaining a softer cadence, "the Commander has always been one to beat the odds. I will admit that there is more that could have been done by her crew to help her, support her – but Shepard does not want for or wish for advice from her crew. She is too proud to ask for that."

Kaidan snorted. "Damn straight."

"The marks on her arm…I tried asking her why she made them. I still do not understand why." EDI paused, wrestling with a question that Kaidan could see coming a light-year away.

"Can I ask you instead?"

Kaidan sighed, glancing back to the sleeping woman. "It's a coping mechanism, EDI. Some people take Red Sand, some people choose a quick and painless death. Shepard's choice is pretty light, considering where she grew up."

"I have researched the South Pacific, where she lived when she was young. How she described it – it does not match the information I have."

"Yeah, it wouldn't. The Pacific was always the last to join the party, so to speak. I had a fairy-tale childhood compared to hers." He picked at the skin around his nails. "It was basically a rogue state in some places. The Alliance wasn't concerned about civilian recruitment. They needed kids who were desperate for anything better than what they already had. Convincing them to join up wasn't particularly hard."

"I think-" Kaidan started, before falling silent for a moment, chewing on his words with care, "I think you need to understand that stress is not a foreign concept to Shepard. That girl's been to hell and back a few times. Sure, her methods aren't the greatest but it keeps her sane. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, etcetera etcetera."

"But the concept of deliberately causing pain to oneself – it does not make sense-"

"It makes plenty of sense to organics, EDI," Kaidan interrupted gently. "We don't think logically like you do, regardless of how much cybernetics we have inside of us. We have hormones – hormones that go batshit crazy every now and again. They don't go well with stress. Too much of a single hormone sets off a chain reaction that has effects felt for months afterwards. It's not a concept that you can divide into sections and dissect like you can a piece of machinery or software. It makes us- uit's what makes us human." Kaidan stood up from the bed, arms stretching high over his head, before padding over to where his uniform lay, crumpled into a pile on the couch.

"Shepard's pain keeps her breathing another day. I don't like it EDI, please understand that – I will never like her methods. But I _am_ there for the aftermath, when she feels numb and cannot feel anymore. I get the feeling sometimes that- that Cerberus has affected these coping methods-"

"How could Cerberus affect those? The Illusive Man ensured that-"

"They built her almost entirely from scratch EDI," Kaidan cut across the AI swiftly. "I doubt even the Illusive Man realised that she would hurt herself – or the exact method she uses. If I were her I'd…" Kaidan trailed off, grabbing his shirt. "I'd wanna make sure the pain felt the same – if it didn't that would be the first flag that I wouldn't be- be me. It probably didn't help that I was throwing around Cerberus accusations constantly the last time I was here-"

"It was a logical conclusion to come to at the time."

"Still doesn't make it right, though. At this point there's no reason for our own species to be fighting ourselves when the Reapers are literally decimating the planet. But this time it will be different."

"How will it be different, Major?" EDI asked.

"Everyone's on the same page this time. I've made the mistake of not supporting Shepard when I should have before – I'm not going to do it again."

"Is there anything else I can help you with Major?" EDI inquired, her voice somehow shifting the tone back to a cool professional one.

"Yes, actually. Don't let Shepard find out I drugged her," he said amusedly, grabbing the offending water bottle from the table. "I'm going to go to the embassies and find out what favours we can extract from the apparently invincible councillors. Tell Shepard where I am if I'm not back before she wakes up please."

"Of course, Major Alenko."


End file.
